If It's Friday, This Must Be Beijing

For our last evening in Guangzhou on Wednesday most of the families wanted to get together for dinner, babies included. We decided on Italian (not Pizza Hut, my dears) because it usually has something for everyone. My daughter sat on my lap and fed me salad and pasta. We shared these dishes with great mutual delight. Mark thought his tomato juice was a bit strange until we each took a cursory taste and found that it was made from - yep, you guessed it - fresh tomatoes, not canned. Shazam -how delicious! Mark also asked for chopsticks and got laughed at by the nice Chinese waitstaff at this fine Italian establishment.

Next morning we left the hotel at 7am with another family (from Wichita), escorted to the airport by CHI's fabulous Elsie. Mark & I had bought an extra suitcase on the trip, as had most of the other families. It was our only bag that was a whopping 2 kilos overweight and the nice airline staff didn't even blink. Bless 'em - and we have since re-strategized the packing so that won't happen when we leave China). When we arrived in Beijing we were met by Lina from CHI and of course Tang the wonderful van driver. CHI, if you're reading this, which I hope you are, our family wants you to know that every one of your "family" have been absolutely terrific to us from day one. Thanks to you, we have felt completely cared-for these past two weeks and change. And yes, I'm naming names: Sabrina, Elsie, Melody, Dennis, Tang, Lina, Chloe, Jessie and Simon.

Beijing's cold weather was a welcome relief to us after nearly two weeks of off-season (to us) temperatures. We had every intention of settling in quickly at the hotel and then doing a little sightseeing, but somebody said she was hungry. So we went to lunch, and that person (who shall go nameless) decided she didn't want to eat anything, just before she fell asleep in her soup. The lovely dining staff allowed us to literally carry all of her still-full dishes and glasses upstairs to our room so she could have a nap (which she didn't take) and eat later (which she finally did). So Thursday turned into day of rest, packing for the trip home, and making plans for Friday.

Our last full day in China was chock-full of adventure. We are near the end of our tour but other CHI families at the hotel are just beginning theirs. At breakfast we met a mother-to-be from Chicago who is set to fly to Nanjing to meet her daughter tomorrow. We wished her well, told her that we know she is going to have an amazing experience, and exchanged hugs. How much we have in common even though we just met for few minutes!

Then we met Jason and Theresa from Kansas City, along with Chloe and Tang who were ready to take us to the Great Wall. I go straight into cocker spaniel mode whenever I get into a van or a cab here. It doesn't matter where we're going or what route we take (I have no sense of direction here anyway); I enjoy every moment of the trip and hang on every inch of every block to watch people, signs and sights. As a result I was the first to spot part of the Wall as soon as it became visible from the van. Hee-heeeeee! And we climbed a decent part of it, by golly.

Got back to the hotel for a couple hours' rest and this time ventured out alone as a family. Next stop: The Forbidden City. The cab let us out at the east entrance,


but you actually have to enter at the south entrance, so we began a lovely half-mile walk at the edge of the river / lake bordering the City.


Of course countless mini-cabs, scooter cabs and map sellers descended on us at this point (I think they have a deal going with the cabbies) and all of the "Bu-xie-xie" (no thank you) in the world couldn't keep them from following us for nearly a third of our journey. Finally one intrepid fellow said, "You need tour guide?" "Bu-xie-xie" we responded. He asked, "Who is your guide?" I indicated our daughter, asleep on her Ba-ba's shoulder, and said, "SHE is."

We didn't actually go inside to see treasures and thrones and things because it was nearly closing time, but we did get inside the gates.



After awhile we joined the exit procession and came out onto Tien An Men Square.



'Twas extremely crowded, and everyone wanted to get a glimpse of the changing of the guard / retirement of the colors. But we were swept afar by those in command, so it was time to walk. Our route took us eastward next to the Forbidden City Walls, and after half an hour we came to a charming little oasis of a restaurant inside the actual city, where we were tended to as if we were little lost children. For the life of me I don't know the name of the place, because it was the only thing on the menu that wasn't transliterated, but I brought home some matches and so will ask folks in the know just where it was we had dinner.

Our kind hosts caught us a cab, and our next stop was, finally, to get to Shabbat services. Kehillat Beijing is a small Reconstructionist congregation located in what's actually the Capitol Club Athletic Center. When we arrived, I joked that I knew we had arrived at shul by all the Christmas trees in the lobby. The third-floor auditorium was our ultimate venue.


About 30 people of all ages, from all over the world, made up the lay-led congregation, and Maya, our sh'lichat tzibbur (service leader) made us very welcome indeed. In fact, she invited our family to lead the candle blessing and Mark to lead Kiddush.

Let me point out here that this was not Xiao-Ling's first time in a synogogue. Her foster family is also Jewish, and two years ago she attended High Holy Day services in California. This was just the first time she had taken her parents to shul and we were quite pleased to be escorted by such lovely company who was obviously used to the surroundings.


In fact she felt so at home that she followed along in the prayerbook, flirted with Barry who sat next to us, and stood next to Maya with a book for much of the service. She did not horse around once (Harry, are you reading this??).

Barry gave a great d'var Torah on the weekly portion, VaYigash. This is the point in Joseph's story where he reunites with his brothers. Twenty-two years after they tried to kill him and then sold him into slavery, Joseph is now viceroy of Egypt and his brothers do not recognize him. It's easy to take the soft road into interpreting this family's reunion of forgiveness, but Barry made a good case for Joseph's continued anger against his family, which is why he sets such harsh boundaries for giving them food in time of famine. In the past two decades and change, Joseph has used separation to solve family problems, at least for the time being; a method heretofore successful in avoiding conflict [bloodshed?] between Abraham and Lot; Isaac and Ishmael; Jacob and Esau.

Two thoughts occurred as I listened: Robert Frost's great quote, "Good Fences Make Good Neighbors," and our trip to the Great Wall that morning. This world's biggest physical boundary represents safety, protection, exclusion, embrace and countless other images. I reflected that only when we raise a fence, when we reduce to simplest terms that which we can and cannot do without, when we acknowledge who and what we are within these self-set boundaries, can we open a door in this fence to allow other elements back in. Barry ended on a slightly deceptive cadence; he concluded that ultimately separation was not what Joseph and his family needed. I disagree because only when Joseph had time to rebuild his torn life as best he could (and with God's help) could he move on to forgive his brothers. Unfortunately, sometimes this takes many, many years.

Some words and deeds are unforgivable. Few would disagree that attempted murder and human trafficking fall into that category. Current events continue to provide further examples. Embarrassing another person in public is among the worst. But if we cannot find forgiveness for any other reason, we must do so for our own personal healing and well-being. Forgiveness doesn't mean going back to the relationship's original dance, but should bring about a new normal. I've long subscribed to Bette Midler's film company, All-Girl Productions' motto ("We Hold a Grudge"). But if we refuse to build doors of re-entry into the Great Wall or the Good Fence that surrounds our souls, how can we heal from life's inevitable hurts? We could never be ready for life's joys or worse yet, even see them coming. I could never fully treasure the most holy gifts God has given me: Mark, Harry and Xiao-Ling. And I do mean to treasure them.

So yes, walls and fences are necessary. Don't be quick to tear them down or to subscribe to anyone else's timeline of your own refuge within. But don't forget the doors and windows that let in the sun, the wind, the tears of rain, and a view of the goodness that lies ahead.

Barry is an expert on fence-building and -mending. He mediates between U.S. and Chinese teams to facilitate matters of international infrastructure. I'm so grateful for his teaching; it really made my Shabbat.

We stayed at the Oneg Shabbat for hours. There were so many fascinating people including a five-day-old couple still in early blush, and a translator for Chinese sports teams who is the only Jew living on Hainan Island (boy, did we bond over Hainan!) and who may be covering the Olympics next summer. Marian's Mandarin is extensive; she's taken many immersion courses in writing and speaking the language (she even texts in it!) and gave Xiao-Ling a lecture on manners that stopped our daughter cold after she grabbed food from my plate. Here is a photo of Marian and our daughter:


At last we poured our weary selves into the last cab of the day and headed back to the hotel. We were all exhausted but wouldn't have traded the day for anything. And now (I can't say "tomorrow" because I waited until "today" to post) we're ready for a bit of relaxation before the van comes to take us to the airport at 2:30. Every particle of our trip to China has been fabulous. Sabrina just called. She's back from her vacation to Hunan (her home province) and misses us very much, as we do her. I hope she'll come to the States for a visit, because we are ready to receive her!

And now, it's time to look forward to all the good things that await us at home. Hugs from Harry, cuddles from the cats, tucking our little girl into her new pink bedroom, settling in as a family of four, and seeing the joy our daughter will kindle in everyone. Shalom Beijing!

Another Brick in the Wall

Slight change of plans this morning - another CHI family went to a section of the Great Wall of China which is about an hour north of Beijing, so we tagged along. One of the original seven wonders of the world, the Wall snakes along the country's former northern border and was designed to keep out Mongol invaders. Today, the only invaders at the Wall are tourists. Which includes us, I suppose.

Climbing the Wall as it snakes up and down mountains is not for the faint of heart.


And indeed, signs along the path make visitors aware of this fact:


Climbing the Wall, even a small portion of it, is supposed to be something to really brag about. Or at least the many souvenir vendors would have us believe.


It was cold and windy up there, so I indulged and bought myself a warm hat, in which I posed with our little girl for the obligatory hero shot.


As did Mama.


We hope to make it over to the Forbidden City and Tienanmen Square this afternoon before Shabbat services tonight at Kehillat Beijing. More to come!

Back to Beijing

Well, here we are right back in Beijing for a couple of days of pure sightseeing. We were going to go to the city's fabled Silk Market but someone (hint: she'll be five years old in exactly two weeks) was exhausted and had a bit of a fit over lunch (which she refused to eat after asking for it) so we're back in our hotel room. Maybe we'll get out later.

Tomorrow, we're hoping to visit the Forbidden City and Tienanmen Square. These two sites symbolize China's past, both recent and ancient. More to come.

FAQs

For the folks at home, whether or not you are contemplating adoption in the future, here are the answers to some of the questions you may have.

Q: Why China?
A: Why not China? But seriously, China has millions of children who need parents and there are millions of parents out there who need children. So it's a match made in heaven.

Q: Is adoption expensive?
A: Frankly, yes. There are travel expenses (yours and the agency staff's, international and in-country), administrative expenses (tons of paperwork for you and for professionals such as notaries, translators, medical staff, lawyers, social workers, etc), fingerprinting and orphanage contributions which are factored in. This is just the tip of the iceberg and we are by no means accountants, but this gives you some idea.

Q: How long does adoption from China take?
A: We're not going to kid you here; we spent more than two and a half years on the journey to Xiao-Ling and it was that short only because she was declared a special-needs child. Certain time factors remain out of your hands, such as document-processing turnaround time, the number of families adopting at once (this is a good thing) and government bureaucracy both at home and abroad. Remember to stay in touch with the team that's helping you to adopt your child; you can call them often with questions but be nice! Today's glitches will be soon forgotten, especially (1) when you know they're beyond your control, and (2) when you're holding that bundle of love.

Q: What should I pack to bring to China?
A: You'll need plenty of clothes for whatever climate you'll be in, and make sure to check weather conditions for where and at what time of year you're going. Our December trip has ranged from 30° in Beijing to 80° or more in Haikou and Sanya. Guangzhou is pretty warm too, and everyone goes to Guangzhou. If we had planned a little better, we would have brought more warm-weather shirts and found a way to leave our winter coats in Beijing until we got back at the end of our trip. But we managed nonetheless. You have to plan for your child's clothes as well, since you'll be bringing about a suitcase-worth of clothes for him or her.

The things we didn't have to bring but you probably will are diapers and formula. Our daughter is nearly five and potty trained - now we're trying to train her not to use up a whole roll of toilet paper every time she goes to the bathroom! It would not be out of the question to include bathing suits, sunscreen and winter hats and gloves for both you and your child. You will receive a list of your child's measurements as an aid to shopping for clothes stateside prior to your trip.

Bring Ziploc bags, both quart- and gallon-size. We were very grateful for this tip before we packed. They enable you to separate snacks from lotions, garbage from non-garbage and medications from anything else. They're also good for dirty clothes in a pinch.

Q: Anything I should not bring to China?
A: Pick your reading material carefully. Don't bring anything that can be construed as critical of Mao Zedong, the Chinese government, etc. Granted, you won't have much time for reading, but it's good to keep in mind.

You don't need to bring snacks, as they're available everywhere.

Also please check your attitude at the border. Leave behind any notion that the good people of China are here to do your bidding. You are here as a guest; an honored guest, but a guest nonetheless. Not everything is going to go as it does at home, nor is it supposed to. You are here to become parents and you are here as an ambassador. Don't do anything that would make anyone happy to see you leave.

Q: Will I need to learn Chinese before coming?
A: If you're adopting an child under 2, not at all. There will be a guide with you almost all the time. Due to our daughter's age, we wanted to learn a few words and our guides were very helpful with that. At this point, we understand each other 95% of the time even though we address our daughter mostly in English and she speaks to us almost entirely in Mandarin.

Remember that "please" and "thank you" are your tickets to the world. You should learn these words in the language of any country you visit. It also never hurts to buy a pocket dictionary for translation on the go.

Q: So how's the food?
A: Pretty darn good, but since we both love Asian food in general and Chinese food in particular, we may not be typical in this respect. People will also tell you that Chinese food in China is different from Chinese food in America, but this is true only if your idea of Chinese food is store-brand frozen egg rolls. Whether you enjoy noodles, rice, vegetables, different kinds of meat or all of the above, we promise you'll find something you enjoy without having to stray too far from your comfort zone.

If you read some of our earlier posts, you can check out some of the new foods we tried, such as dragon fruit, congee, duck eggs and star fruit. If you're willing to be a bit adventurous, you might be pleasantly surprised. However, do not under any circumstances use tap water here for drinking or brushing your teeth without boiling it first; not even the natives do that.

Q: When do I get to meet my child?
A: As soon as possible, depending on where he or she is located. Your first meeting will be filmed by agency staff, so don't worry about the Hollywood aspect of this important moment. Relax (hah!) and let your child take the lead. Bring along an unwrapped cuddly gift - we chose a pig because this is the Year of the Pig. (Xiao-Ling takes it everywhere and calls it Zhu-Zhu, which is a very loose translation of "Piggly Wiggly.") Bask and enjoy.

If you have any other questions, just ask them in comments or E-mail us privately.

A Three-Hour Tour (sort of )

Back on Shamian Island, the babies received their medical exams to make sure they had no communicable diseases. It was supposed to take just a short while and then we would have until noon to wander the island, shop and hang out until we met for lunch at noon. Our girl passed with flying colors but things went a bit slowly for us. First they couldn't quite find her file. Then we needed to get into a special line for bigger kids (she would be weighed and measured on a standing scale, not the produce-style one most doctors use for infants). Then in the middle of everything: "Wuo niao-niao!" - guess who had to go to the bathroom.

My daughter and I were hustled through the slim, crowded corridors to a ladies room that - you guessed it - featured the native variety of commode that give new meaning to the term, "hole-in-the-wall" (see earlier posting by Mark, with illustration, if you need further help here). After more than a week with us, Xiao-Ling was used to American-style powder-rooms. Fine by me. We toddled back to the doctor's office, which adjoined accommodations that were much more accommodating. Unfortunately while we were in there my child 1) took her usual sweet time with thorough self-santization and 2) accidentally knocked a roll of paper to the floor. When I bent over to pick it up, the pen behind my ear slid into the bowl with a farewell splash. Needless to say, I have written my last word with that quill, but worse yet, it jammed up the pipes. Oh hell and botheration. That medical staff was awfully sweet about it.

On with the medical exam. They measured the length of each leg, the circumference of her head, and tested her arm mobility. Things checked out pretty well, and we were eager to skip out of there and have some leisure time because we were the last family in there. As we skibbled out the front door, wait for it, wait for it...

"Come back! Come back!" the voice of our guide Dennis beseeched us. Turns out they needed to measure the length of one of her surgical scars. Soooooo close! By the time we got out of there we had only 45 minutes, and Xiao-Ling needed to play. Before we found a playgrosund and it wasn't long before our darling was back to her old self and demonstrating her derring-do on the slides.

Shamian Island is also a nice spot for brides and grooms to have their outdoor wedding photo sessions, which are fun to watch. Our guide Simon told us that these are never done on the actual wedding, but several days to weeks in advance. Guess that explains the bride's dungarees under her gown when she walks from venue to venue for the next photos.

Lunch was at a very homey restaurant where we sat at huge round tables with Lazy Susans in the middle and ate mostly dim sum along with fresh steamed broccoli and little bowls of beef broth. Absolutely delicious. Mark thought our meal was a bit American because the selections felt familiar, but I reminded him that he and I do not favor egg rolls or sweet-and-sour swill and therefore we have always been attuned to food that's a little more Chinese than Chinese-American. Xiao-Ling only wanted to eat the egg custard tarts and nearly turned into one herself. Normally I would have picked that battle but she'd had such a rough morning that I let it go.

We are very, very homesick for Harry. I miss him so much and can't believe we will have been separated for three weeks. When we see him, I get to hug him first. His sister shows his picture to absolutely everyone and cannot wait to take a bite out of him either.

The Year of the Bull

Yesterday was a free day so Mark & Xiao-Ling and I returned to Shamian Island to finish our gift-buying. Since the old consulate is located on the island and all the babies still receive their medical exams there (plus of course the White Swan Hotel is there), there's quite a trade in adoption souvenirs, such as T-shirts and caps that say "Jieh-jieh" (big sister), "Guh-guh" (big brother), "Mei-Mei" (little sister), "Ba-Ba" (father) and "Ye-Ye" (grandfather). These are just the tip of the iceberg; of course there are traditional Chinese gifts of all kinds as well, and everything is beautiful, well-made, and relatively inexpensive. The shopkeepers can smell us coming a mile away and greet you at least that far in advance in order to take you for a nice chatty stroll to what happens to be their store, where they are more than ready to butter us up into buying out their entire store.

"Hal-lo...American right? Very, very handsome. You most beautiful American man / woman / family I have ever seen. So good-looking. And smart too. I can tell you very very smart and wise. And you love daughter. This girl very very lucky. She love you very very much. Best baby I ever seen. You want nice outfit / jade / barrettes / shoes / toys / condominium for her?" Okay, the condo part is an exaggeration. I will give 'em this: everyone stands behind the quality of their stuff, and if you need to exchange something for any reason, you'll have good luck with hat. Poor Mark got re-named Mart, Mike, Michael, Mikey, Mack, Matt, Matty... at least he was addressed with a smile and that's what counts. Sure beats "Yacklin..."

One particular shopkeeper was adorable but so overzealous in currying our favor while we discussed the price and quality of a Chinese zodiac wall hanging that I guessed out loud she was born in the Year of the Bull. This made me not only the smartest and most beautiful woman who ever shopped in her store but also the funniest. Suffice it to say that when we return to China I think folks will be glad to see us. Which is of course one of the main points of being a good guest.

"I (I)...Your name...(Your name)..."

Somebody is fighting off sleep with all her might. She had quite a busy day today: a trip to the Guangzhou zoo; dinner out with most of the other CHI families, and... getting her entry visa into the U.S. at the American consulate. We were given all of the packets and papers we need to hand-carry in order to bring children our into the promised land. Just before we all took the oath, the administering officer from Immigration said,

"Now, about that sealed brown packet we handed you: Do you open it?"

"NOooooooo!" we chorused, over dozens of crying babies, along with hundreds of other adoptive parents.
"Do you give it to the baby?"

"NOooooooo!"

"Do you check it with your luggage?"

"NOooooooo!"

I don't think this is how God and Moses got us out of Egypt but it works. When we actually took the oath, I had to read Mark's lips to get some of it because the babies drowned out part of it. But after all, without the children this wouldn't be happening, so their music gave the occasion a certain Gilbert & Sullivan cadence to the occasion: "We certify that everything... written and verbal is true (waaaaa waaaa)....to the best of our knowledge and certainty (waaaaaa waaaaaaa)."

Best highlight of the day: Xiao-Ling's newest English word is...."YES!"

Good night - we leave for Beijing bright and early in the morning.